Here’s a link courtesy of a fun spam e-mail I received: “100% Herbal Weight Loss Patch; Lose 5-27 Pounds in 30 Days.”

Only $38.95 for a 30-day supply. Don’t worry, one of the “clinical studies” shows that in a survey of “thousands of actual” Le Patch users, “an incredible 94% lost weight!”

Good enough for me. How do I add this to my Amazon wish list?

Brooke Oberwetter points to the very neat AOLer Translator, which translates any text into the output of a 12-year-old AOL user. Below is the Gettysburg Address:

FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN Y3ARS AGO OUR FATHARS BROUGHT FORTH ON THIS CONTIENNT A NU NATION CONCAIEVD IN LIEBRTY AND DEDICAETD 2 TEH PROPOSITION TAHT AL M3N R CR3AETD EQUAL1!!1!1!

OMG LOL NOW WE R ENGAEGD IN A GREAT CIVIL WAR TESTNG WHETH3R TAHT NATION OR ANY NATION SO CONCEIEVD AND SO DEDICAETD CAN LONG ANDURE!1!1!1! WTF WE R M3T ON A GR3AT BATLAFEILD OF TAHT WAR!1!!!! OMG LOL W3 HAEV COME 2 DADICAET A PORTION OF TAHT FEILD AS A FINAL RASTNG-PLAEC FOR THOS3 WHO H3RA GAEV THERE LIEVS TAHT TAHT NATION MIGHT LIEV1!!1! OMG LOL IT IS AL2G3TH3R FITNG AND PROPER TAHT W3 SHUD DO THIS11!11!1 LOL BUT IN A LARG3R SENSE W3 CANOT DADICAET WE CANOT CONSECRAET W3 CANOT HALOW THIS GROUND11!!!1!! OMG WTF LOL TEH BRAEV MEN LIVNG AND DEAD WHO STRUGL3D HARA HAEV CONSECRAETD IT FAR ABOVE OUR POR POWER 2 AD OR DETRACT11!1

OMG WTF DA WORLD WIL LITL3 NOTA NOR LONG REM3MBR WUT WA SAY HAR3 BUT IT CAN N3V3R FORG3T WT DID HERE1!11 OMG WTF LOL IT IS FOR US DA LIVNG RATH3R 2 B DEDICAETD HERE 2 TEH UNFINISHAD WORK WHICH THAY WHO FOUGHT HERE HAEV THUS FAR SO NOBLY ADVANC3D1!!111! OMG LOL IT IS RATH3R FOR US 2 B HERE DADICAETD 2 TEH GR3AT TASK REMANENG BFORA US-TAHT FROM THES3 HONORED D3AD W3 TAEK INCREAESD DAVOTION 2 TAHT CAUS3 FOR WHICH TH3Y GAEV DA LAST FUL M3ASUR3 OF DAVOTION-TAHT WE H3R3 HIGHLY RESOLVE TAHT TH3SA DEAD SHAL NOT HAEV DEID IN VANE TAHT THIS NATION UND3R GOD SHAL HAEV A NU BIRTH OF FREDOM AND TAHT GOVERNMENT OF TEH PEOPL3 BY TEH PEOPLE FOR TEH P3OPL3 SHAL NOT PERISH FROM TEH EARTH 11111!! OMG WTF LOL

Abe sez, “WTF?!?!?!”

That’s what my “Simpsons” magic 8-ball said when I asked, “Will the Cubs win the National League Central Division?”

That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout … everyone!

Sport’s posted a couple of neat pictures at his blog that you might enjoy.

Hurry over and give him a kiss!

I need you, “Baseball Tonight.” Think of it: I’d otherwise have to wade through at least a full half hour — probably more like 45 minutes — of opening day NFL highlights, analysis, etc. ad nauseum.

But thanks to “Baseball Tonight,” I can get all the highlights and analysis I actually care about in one sweet shot. On the other hand, I do miss out on the U.S. Open men’s final highlights. Oh, well. It was a boring match anyway.

I wrote earlier that if the Cubs could make it through their series with the Cardinals within a few games of first, they had a very good chance of taking the NL Central.

After winning four of five from the Cardinals and following it up with a should-do-but-rarely-get sweep of the Brewers, the Cubs are in much better shape. With the Astros loss today, in fact, they are in first place. Both Houston and St. Louis have nine games left with teams .500 or better (six of those are against each other), while the Cubs have only three in their upcoming series with the San Juan Expos.

Most surprising of late is the Cubs’ hitting. In the 7-1 week they just wrapped up, the Cubs averaged 5.8 runs a game. The Sausage Whacker has been surprisingly good and Sosa continues to be hit a homer just about every other game.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, though. In a three-team race such as the NL Central is, anything can most assuredly happen. But the Cubs are in a good spot, and they’re hot. They haven’t pulled off this kind of string of victories all season long. I’m glad it’s happening now.

“Masked & Anonymous” is not a good movie, but it’s a tremendously watchable and enjoyable movie for a Bob Dylan nut like myself.

A lot of the acting is great, there’s some interesting set design and camera work, quite a few funny lines, and great musical performances by Bob and his band.

The less said about Dylan’s acting the better.

This is crazy. Baker thinks Estes is enough of a liability in the rotation to consider skipping his starts in the next two weeks thanks to favorably scheduled off days.

But there is a perfectly suitable alternative to Estes, and that’s Juan Cruz, whom the Cubs are sending down to Iowa for a position player. The Cubs do need another position player to have off the bench and I’m not sure who else they could send down.

Still, Baker’s loyalty to Estes is entirely misguided:

I’d be dissatisfied if he didn’t have the stuff. Do you get frustrated sometimes? Yeah. Dissatisfied? No. He’s frustrated. You can see it because he knows he has the stuff, and someday he’s going to get it and get it big. I believe that from the bottom of my heart.

That’s great, but in the meantime, he’s one of the worst starters in the National League — the fifth worst, according to the Clark & Addison Chronicle.

Estes is a “crafty lefty” with no control. He’s constantly behind in the count and walks too many batters, and doesn’t have the stuff to strike his way out of the jams he creates.

I’ll be glad when he’s gone next year and Cruz has that spot in the rotation, unless Baker somehow convinces the Cubs they must get another mediocre, overpaid lefthander to add “balance” to the rotation.

And what was it Baker said about keeping Lofton on for next year? Where exactly is he going to play? Patterson will be back in centerfield and it’s not worth it to pay Lofton to fill in for a couple of weeks and then sit on the bench the rest of the year.

Big time. Thus spake Dusty.

Now seems a fitting time for me to eat some crow. Big time. I wrote earlier that the Cubs shouldn’t try too hard to make any trades to bring costly veterans to try to make the playoffs this year.

My thinking was that it wouldn’t be the worth the talent the Cubs would have to surrender and that aside from the top four starters the Cubs were so mediocre a playoff spot was out of the question. After watching this team (in person) win two straight against the Astros and three of four in the series (sorry, Karen!), it’s obvious I was wrong.

Hendry made a great trade for Lofton and Ramirez and Sosa’s heated up at the right time. While the ultimate price of the Pittsburgh deal isn’t known yet (the Pirates name the second player in the deal Friday), even losing Bobby Hill is arguably worth being “back in this thing,” only a half game out.

Ultimately, the Cubs have simply played much better than I thought they would. Since the All-Star Break they have gone 15-10 and have won five of their last six series.

Now on to the Dodgers!

I don’t think it’s imperative that the Cubs sweep or even win this upcoming four-game series against the Astros. The Cubs face the Astros and Cardinals each seven times through Sept. 4.

If they can come out of those games pretty much even and within three or four games of first place, the Cubs will be in a good slot to roll off a bunch of wins in the last month against much weaker teams and steal the division.

Not that a 14-0 record in those games wouldn’t be nice, but I honestly don’t think that these are “must-win” or “make-or-break” series.

We’re actually looking at a run here, folks, from our dear old Cubbies. The Cubs were expected to take care of the Padres handily. They’re one of the worst teams in baseball and the Cubs had their three best starters (Prior, Wood and Zambrano) going.

And … they actually did it. They swept the Padres. Does this make the Cubs a pennant contender? Not really. But it indicates that here they are in mid-August trying to make a race of this thing and taking care of the team sthey’re supposed to take care of. And by a healthy six-run margin no less.

Heck, that’s the kind of lead where it doesn’t even bother me to see Baker go to Alfonseca.

Now the Cubs have second place clear and only trail the barely evil Astros by a game and a half. But … now the Cubs’ usually anemic offense faces the best pitching staff in the league in the Dodgers. We shall see.

This morning I received spam from AMISH SKIN SALVE, but I misread it as AMISH SKIN SLAVE. I was thinking, “Boy, the Amish aren’t what they used to be.”

Of course it was just spam for Amish-made “chickweed healing salve,” which makes a lot more sense. This reminds me, though, of a very interesting documentary, “Devil’s Playground,” that Karen and I saw about the Amish period of rumspringa.

At 16, Amish teen-agers are allowed to live English, which means they can drink, drive, use drugs, have sex, get a job outside the community, etc. But when they come back — 90 percent do — and join the Amish church, it’s for good.

The Amish community examined in the documentary is in Indiana. It’s amazing to see how quickly the formerly sheltered Amish teens so quickly transform themselves into … white trash.

You probably think I care who this song’s about. Don’t you? Don’t you?