Conversations with Mr. Claus

You may recall that last year I had a chance to sit down for a fascinating, yet confounding chat with the AOL Instant Messenger Santa bot.

He again took some time out from his busy schedule to answer a few of the pressing questions of the day:

kboreilly: what’s shakin’ santa?
SantaClaus: Hey. You’re back. Cool. You know the deal. Type menu.
kboreilly: so what do you think about this so-called war on christmas?
SantaClaus: Well, I don’t know.
kboreilly: don’t you have any opinion?
SantaClaus: Can I ask YOU something?
kboreilly: i’ve been nice, santa, if that’s what you were going to ask.
SantaClaus: Indeed!
kboreilly: nice to know you agree. to get back on point, you say, “ho! ho! ho! merry christmas!” right? why don’t you say “ho! ho! ho! happy holidays”?
SantaClaus: I’ve got a billion children to keep track of — so could you ask me something a bit more manageable? I’d very much appreciate it.
kboreilly: is target doing the devil’s work?
SantaClaus: I cannot possibly list all electronics, but if you are looking for the hot new toys and gadgets for all, try your search here:
1 —
iPod
2 — Camera Phone
3 — GPS
4 — TiVo
5 — HDTV
kboreilly: santa, is your brain frozen?
SantaClaus: You’ve got him.
kboreilly: huh?
SantaClaus: Oh dear. Maybe I should send one of the elves over to lend you a hand? Actually, just type menu and I think I can get you on a good track.
kboreilly: do your elves have opinions about this war on christmas?
SantaClaus: What about elves?
kboreilly: in this war on christmas, is it ok to torture elves and spy on them without a warrant?
SantaClaus: Love them.
kboreilly: i agree, santa. love is the answer.
SantaClaus: Well, we don’t make soul mates here at the workshop. Part of life’s challenge is for you to find love for yourself. Is there anything else you would like?
kboreilly: world peace. good will toward men. some new bed sheeets, maybe.
SantaClaus: It’s very noble of you to wish for peace. Peace and love to you and your loved ones this holiday season.
kboreilly: peace out, santa.
SantaClaus: Type menu to get your to do list for the holidays.


Hmm … notice that while Santa dodged my questions he ended our conversation with an offer to help with my to do list for “the holidays” — not Christmas.

That’s it, Santa. You’re off my buddy list and you’re on my naughty list.