Well, you’d be grumpy too if you had the misfortune of reliving a small part of your childhood last weekend on cable: “The Care Bears Movie.” The caliber of this mid-’80s flick’s animation is to “Finding Nemo” (which I also saw last weekend) as William Shatner’s voice is to Andreas Bocelli’s.

That this movie (which I’m quite sure my mother dutifully suffered through — unlike “The Smurfs and the Magic Flute,” which she decided to wait out in the theater lobby while I watched), essentially one giant commercial for the plush bears marketed by American Greetings was actually a hit is amazing to me.

It just goes to show you how really stupid kids are. Apparently, the movie inspired three sequels — I never knew that — and a TV show on ABC. Hmph.

I love the official Care Bears Web site, by the way, which boasts: “Care Bears became ‘America’s Teddy Bear’ with over 40 Million Care Bears toys sold between 1983 and 1987 alone.” Uh-huh. Wonder why they didn’t include any figures from the last 16 years.

Anyway, you can get all your Care Bears wallpapers and AOL buddy icons there, at “Download-a-lot.” If you actually get that reference, I fear for you.

Once you’ve had enough of that, fill out this quiz to find out which dysfunctional care bear you are.

And if the quiz results don’t come out right, take out your frustration on the Evil Care Bears by shooting the bejesus out of them.

It used to be that “news” stories in The Onion eerily foretold future trends, but this oft-linked story, “Americans demand increased protection from selves” comes a little bit late in the game.

Still funny, though:

“We can all agree that many choices are too important to be left up to a highly flawed individual,” Nathansen said. “Decisions that directly affect our health, or allow us to expose ourselves to potential risks, should be left to the wiser, cooler heads of the government.”

Yep. They’re from the government, and they’re here to help you help yourself.