Billy Crystal says he felt the itch to host the Oscars again.

No word on whether he feels the itch to actually be funny again.

According to a commentary in the Washington Post by John Dowd, baseball’s lead investigator in the Pete Rose matter back in the ’80s, this is the deal that was offered to the schmuck-king once the extent of his gambling on the game was clear:

Pete would have to reconfigure his life. He would have to stop betting. He would have to make a candid response to all of the hard evidence. He would have to explain his association with all of the characters in the betting operation. He would have to submit to, and complete, a full rehabilitation. During his rehabilitation, he would be removed from the game of baseball.

I had been advised by federal authorities that if Rose agreed to these terms, he would not be prosecuted for tax evasion but would have to pay all taxes, interest and penalties due. Upon successful completion of his rehabilitation, he would have been readmitted to the game of baseball and could receive all honors which come with achievement and good conduct. He would have been eligible, if chosen, for admission to the Hall of Fame.

If this is true — and there’s not much reason to doubt Dowd on this — then it immediately puts the lie to one of Rose’s favorite rhetorical gambits, as evidenced in his latest scam book:

If I had been an alcoholic or a drug addict, baseball would have suspended me for six weeks and paid for my rehabilitation.

I should have had the opportunity to get help, but baseball had no fancy rehab for gamblers like they do for drug addicts. If I had admitted my guilt, it would have been the same as putting my head on the chopping block — lifetime ban. Death penalty. I spent my entire life on the baseball fields of America, and I was not going to give up my profession without first seeing some hard evidence. … Right or wrong, the punishment didn’t fit the crime — so I denied the crime.

In fact, Rose was given the opportunity to fess up and rehabilitate. No, it wouldn’t have been a six-week suspension, but it would have been an opportunity for him to acknowledge the harm he’d done, change his ways, and work to re-earn the respect of baseball and its fans. Instead, he chose to lie, go to prison for tax evasion, and hit the talk-show and card-show circuits in a desperate attempt to scratch out a living.

Even now he won’t stop gambling! On the one hand, he wants to claim the gambling-is-a-disease mantle to afford him special treatment, and then when “rehabilitation” is offered he refuses it.

Rose’s case is almost enough to make me believe in this “addiction is a disease” nonsense, since only a seriously damaged mind would cogitate as poorly as he has throughout this whole mess. I still think Rose, like Joe Jackson, deserves a shot on the Hall of Fame ballot, but he shouldn’t be allowed within a Sammy Sosa homerun ball’s distance of a job in professional baseball.

Yes, Rose really deserves to be on the ballot, because the all-time hits leader won’t come close to getting elected, and the ignominy of that feat — being such a schmuck that it outweighs the advantage of holding one of the greatest records in sports — is well-deserved indeed.

The Houston Chronicle says so, a one-year deal for $5 million. This is bad for the Cubs any way you slice it?

But might they respond by signing a one-year deal with another sure-fire first-ballot Hall of Fame pitcher — Greg Maddux? It just may be that the never-retired Maddux will wind up getting less money than the supposedly retired Clemens did.

I’d still prefer to land Pudge Rodriguez, but a low-cost, one-year deal for Maddux shoot a little air of the Astros’ balloon.

Steve Buscemi, who has directed several episodes of “The Sopranos,” will now appear regularly in the new season as a mobster recently released from prison.

Awesome. Let’s hope he doesn’t wind up in the wood chipper too early.

A group of Tribune Co. newspapers did an interesting survey of eligible Hall of Fame voters and found that of the 159 they reached (there are 506 total), only 72 — or 45 percent –would vote to induct Pete Rose into Cooperstown’s top tourist attraction.

Preliminary as this finding is, it gives further weight to the argument that major-league baseball should allow Rose’s name on the ballot. If he gets rejected by the voters fair and square, maybe he’ll finally quit his whining. Unlikely, I know, but we can hope.

Then it would be on to the Veterans’ Committee, now made up of the living Hall of Famers, a group I’d suspect would be even less forgiving of Rose’s sins against the game and against common decency.

Who says there’s anything wrong with a little democracy in America?

On a bright note, in spite of falling short of the 75 percent threshold for admission, Ryne Sandberg finished third in the voting and appears to be closing in on induction, as the Tribune’s Phil Rogers reports:

Sandberg, a nine-time Gold Glover who hit more home runs than any second baseman, received 309 of a possible 506 votes, 61.1 percent. He had failed to get even 50 percent in the last election (244 of 492).

Only four former players ever have had a bigger increase in votes from their first year on the ballot to the second — Yogi Berra, Minoso, Catfish Hunter and Carlton Fisk. The only one of those guys not enshrined in Cooperstown is Minoso, who had a 17-year gap between times on the ballot because of his frequent comebacks.

Sandberg becomes the 13th player to gain at least 50 votes between his first and second years on the ballot. Nine of his 12 predecessors have been elected, and Sandberg doesn’t appear destined to wind up assigned to the same rung of history as the three exceptions, Minoso, Gil Hodges and Maury Wills.

Consider that Sandberg also is the 15th player since 1980 to receive a jump of at least 50 votes in any year on the ballot. The 14 others are all in the Hall, with 11 elected by the writers and Nellie Fox, Jim Bunning and Orlando Cepeda earning approval of the Veterans Committee.

Rogers is less optimistic about Andre Dawson’s chances. And Bruce Sutter is still iffy. I’d love to see Ryno and Santo get inducted the same year. I do believe we’d be making a trip to Cooperstown then.

Pete Rose has finally admitted what everyone already knew — he bet on baseball.

Why is this supposed to make me more sympathetic to his bid to re-enter the game of baseball? All this admissions says to me is, “Hey, I’m not only fixer, but I’m a lying jerk too!”

The man’s still deep in denial:

During the times I gambled as a manager, I never took an unfair advantage. I never bet more or less based on injuries or inside information. I never allowed my wagers to influence my baseball decisions. So in my mind, I wasn’t corrupt.

Uh-huh. And he supposedly never bet against his team. But anytime he did not place a bet on the Reds to win it was a clear signal to his bookies that he thought they couldn’t or wouldn’t win that night. And how do we truly know that he didn’t pitch a guy on short rest to get a win on a certain night, or use up his bullpen to get a win and collect big time?

He lied for 14 years because he “never had the opportunity to tell anybody that was going to help” him, he writes in his new book. Again, it’s all about Pete Rose. Now that it seems to be interest to tell the truth, or at least something more truthful than the bald-faced lies he’s been telling for years, he tells it.

The real truth is still unknown, and can probably never be discovered. Pete Rose should never be allowed to be involved in the management of any major-league baseball team on any level. I’d never to go a game in which he had some involvement.

That said, I don’t see why the baseball writers who vote for the Hall of Fame can’t determine on their own whether Rose’s accomplishments outweigh his sins. A Hall plaque doesn’t put the honesty of the game in any danger. Indeed, a plaque could and should note why he was banned from the game. Shoeless Joe deserves the same shot at the Hall.

The criteria obviously allow the voters to commit or omit any name from the ballot for any reason. They wouldn’t have kept Ron Santo out of the Hall for so many years based on sound reasoning, that’s for sure.

Considering the moves made by the Astros and the Cardinals recently, General Manager Jim Hendry’s apparent lack of interest in further upgrading the Cubs’ offense is disappointing.

The Astros, of course, signed lefthander Andy Pettite and may yet get Roger Clemens on the deal. While some say Pettitte is overrated (he’s from New York, after all), it should be clear that he will pitch 200 quality innings and knows how to win games.

With Oswalt, Miller and Pettitte, the Astros’ top three now gives the Cubs a definite run for their money. And they still have the better offense.

Now the Cardinals have traded J.D. Drew for some badly needed pitching and freed up salary room to sign another pitcher as a free agent. With their offense, even a slight improvement on the pitching side will have the Cards right back in the mix in the NL Central.

So how do the Cubs respond?

Hendry continues to look for spare parts, which undoubtedly are important but can be had at good prices later in the offseason.

Here’s what Tribune beat writer Paul Sullivan has to say about the Pudge talk:

Though White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen told reporters on Saturday that Florida catcher Ivan Rodriguez wants to play for the Cubs, Hendry reiterated he has had no talks with agent Scott Boras about signing him. Guillen, a good friend of Rodriguez’s, said he is “looking to go” to Chicago and added the Cubs have the money to make it happen.

Informed of Guillen’s remarks, Hendry jokingly asked if Guillen was in on Tribune Co. board meetings and knew how much money he was able to spend. The Cubs have interest in Rodriguez only if he comes at a cut-rate price. If Baltimore signs Atlanta free-agent catcher Javy Lopez, Rodriguez may not have any other suitors and thus would have to lower his demands significantly.

In other words, there is nothing currently in the works, despite incessant media speculation.

Hendry has said before that he is satisfied with the Miller/Bako duo behind the plate, which calls into question his sanity. Yes, there are other priorities, especially re-signing Kerry Wood to a long-term deal. And it does make sense to get that taken care of first to see what, if any, money is left to sign Pudge. Furthermore, Pudge’s price is likely to only come down with time.

The Orioles signed Tejada today and will likely sign catcher Javy Lopez as well, supposedly leaving Pudge no place else to go. If Hendry is simply playing the waiting game for now, that’s OK. There’s no point in rushing to sign Pudge right away with a bad long-term deal just to get some good press.

But considering the moves the Astros and Cardinals have made, without Pudge this Cubs team is merely a contender. It will take the same combination of luck and timing to have the Cubs repeat as division champs. With Pudge, the Cubs are a kick-ass team that should be thinking World Series.

The Cubs did the least possible damage to their payroll and filled a couple of question marks at the same time by signing Mark Grudzielanek and Tom Goodwin.

It’s unlikely that Grudzie will repeat his above average (for him) 2003 season, but it’ll only cost the Cubs $2.5 million for one year to hope that he does. After that, they are pinning their hopes on a minor-league prospect, Brendan Harris, to fill the gap. But this is a minimal commitment both in time and money, especially given that any of the leadoff type, lefthanded-hitting second basemen out there probably would have asked for twice the money and a three-year deal.

Barring injury, the Cubs will be “solid” at second base. The question of who will lead off is of course still wide open. Grudzie did lead off some last year.

There may be better reserve outfielders available on the market, but I think re-signing Goodwin is just fine. And again, at a very reasonable price: $650,000. He’s got speed, he’s a lefty and can play all three outfield positions. If there are any injury problems with Alou or Patterson, Goodwin can fill in and lead off.

Now, unless something remarkable happens, it looks as though the Cubs will regularly have only one lefthanded batter in the everyday lineup: Corey Patterson. The one other position the Cubs still have a chance to improve is catcher, with Pudge Rodriguez and Javy Lopez still available as free agents and Jason Kendall being shopped around by the Pirates. All of them are righthanded, however. This should be the Cubs’ top priority, much more so than another reliever or a fifth starter.

Both of those “needs” can be filled more cheaply and probably just as well by pitchers the Cubs already have in the farm system. A more productive offense is what will set this team apart, as the Cubs were incredibly lucky to have no major injuries to their pitching staff last year. Investing money in a catcher is always a risky proposition because of the likelihood of injuries, but if the Cubs want to win the pennant next year it has to be done.

He’s soft in the head too if he thinks he can get three years at $10 million per out of the Florida Marlins.

Too much money and too much time for an aging catcher with an injury history. One can only hope that in this depressed market he’ll come crawling to the Cubs with a bargain-basement asking price.

Just like that, the Yankees meet the Red Sox tit for tat by signing pitcher Javier Vazquez of the Montreal Expos.

Even new Jedi master Terry Francona should know that the battle has only begun.