It used to be that “news” stories in The Onion eerily foretold future trends, but this oft-linked story, “Americans demand increased protection from selves” comes a little bit late in the game.

Still funny, though:

“We can all agree that many choices are too important to be left up to a highly flawed individual,” Nathansen said. “Decisions that directly affect our health, or allow us to expose ourselves to potential risks, should be left to the wiser, cooler heads of the government.”

Yep. They’re from the government, and they’re here to help you help yourself.

My favorite part of Richard Thompson’s live performance of his “1,000 Years of Popular Music” had to be hearing a full house at the Old Town School of Folk Music sing along with him on the chorus of Britney Spears’ “Oops! I Did It Again.”

I must confess: I’m not that innocent. Thanks for giving me the extra ticket, Rob!

First, congratulations to the Marlins. They were clearly the best team this October, and the Cubs ought to take some measure of consolation in the fact that they came much closer to beating them than anyone else did during the postseason. Josh Beckett’s complete-game shutout of the Yankees on only three days’ rest will go down as one of the all-time great World Series performances. He was amazing.

While it feels a little better to know the Cubs got beaten by the best, and that the Yankees have now gone a whole three years since a World Series title, there are still some people who insist that Cubs fans should be thankful their team failed again to win the big prize.

You see, the fans have so strongly identified with the Cubs as “lovable losers” that there’s no way they could recover from the tragedy of a championship — or, worse yet, a series of championships. This is the basis for an obnoxious Oct. 19 Chicago Tribune story by Rex W. Huppke.

The headline? “Back from the brink”:

Glenn Stout, a baseball historian and author, said a championship season could have forever changed the relationship of the team and its devoted followers.

“I think the identity would change, and I think expectations for the team would change,” said Stout, who has long chronicled baseball’s other premier losers, the Boston Red Sox.

“Since the Cubs haven’t been really even close for so long, that’s kind of allowed that lovable loser mentality to maintain. People think, `Who cares what happens? It’s nice to be at Wrigley Field.’ But once they win, I actually think that there would suddenly be expectations for them and losing would suddenly be not so acceptable.”

Do we expect the Cubs to win? No, we don’t. But that does not mean we don’t passionately thirst for a winning team. Losing, like death, is never “acceptable.” Both are inevitable, but if a person handles death well she’s praised for her calm in the face of mortality. Cubs fans, on the other hand, are patronized as suckers for their steadfastness in the face of losing.

Losing may have been the usual for a long time, but it’s not comfortable and it’s not lovable. There’s a rather large group of thumb-suckers out there who think Cubs fans can’t handle success, and are therefore somehow undeserving it. That’s just B.S.

It’s said that being a Cubs fan prepares you for life. Well, I feel comfortable speaking for most Cubs fans when I say that I have been more than adequately prepared for life. Now I am prepared to win.

It was a damn shame the Cubs-Red Sox World Series didn’t come off, and at least one person is paying the price for it: Grady Little won’t be back next year in Boston.

Dave Veres, Dusty? Dave F. Veres?!

Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that a manager is really serious about winning when he makes such boneheaded moves. Runners on second and third in the seventh inning, still only down two runs, and Baker goes to about his fifth-best reliever. Remlinger was available. Borowski was available. Hell, even Zambrano and Clement should have been available.

This is even assuming we give Baker the benefit of the doubt that it was the right thing to bring Wood back out in the sixth after having already given up six runs. Most intelligent Cubs fans won’t give him that much. It’s certainly hard to fathom how he left Prior out to dry in the eighth inning of game six after Ivan Rodriguez whacked a curve ball that had more hang time than Michael Jordan at his peak.

Game seven of tonight’s Red Sox-Yankees game echoed the Cubs-Marlins game six eerily. The BoSox were up by three runs with their best pitcher in the mound, five outs away from going to the Series. And the Yankees started sending screaming liners all over the place. Grady Little even comes out to the mound after the Williams RBI single.

He’s got a great lefty in the bullpen in Embree, with three lefties in a row coming up. But Little stays with Martinez even though the Yanks were obviously figuring him out. He proceeds to give up the lead before Embree and Timlin come in and keep the game tied. Little absolutely blew this game for the Red Sox, no question about it.

I don’t think you could go so far with Baker. The Marlins did what they weren’t supposed to do — they beat Prior and Wood. Prior gave up five runs (only three earned) and Wood gave up seven. The Cubs didn’t get as far as they did with those kind of performances, or by winning those games. In that sense, while Baker made some important strategic errors, he was more obviously done in by his team’s failure to execute the way they had all season long. Alex Gonzalez’s error was emblematic of that failure. That said, Baker’s abuse of Wood, Prior and Zambrano throughout the course of the regular season (and especially of Prior in the game two laugher) may have been a factor in how they performed in the NLCS.

Anyhow, the magic number for a Cubs-Red Sox World Series was down to two. And it stays there. Who the hell am I supposed to root for now? It’ll have to be the Marlins. If they could come back from 3-1 to take the pennant from the Cubs, they better damn well beat the Evil Empire.

While I’m really disappointed, there is much cause for hope, at least for the Cubs. They have an extremely promising nucleus of young talent (Wood, Prior, Zambrano, Patterson, Ramirez and Choi) along with some older players who will be in the mix for a while yet (Sosa, Alou, Clement), a healthy farm system and a lot of dough to spend in the offseason (thanks to greater ticket revenues and the contract expirations of Alfonseca, Veres, Estes, Grudzielanek and Karros).

With Hendry as GM and Baker to lure in the talented players, the Cubs should put a much better ballclub on the field next year. It’s too early to say how good of a ballclub, and it would be silly to expect that next year’s team will achieve more than this year’s did. The 2003 Cubs were aided greatly by subpar years from the Cardinals and Astros, and they got hot at just the right time. Prior and Wood led the way by going on the equivalent of a 30-game hit streak at the same time down the stretch and in the playoffs.

Next year’s Cubs may even fare worse, if certain things don’t go their way. New free agent hires may not perform up to expectations. Prior, Wood and Zambrano may not pitch as well, or worse yet get hurt. If Grudzielanek re-signs with the Cubs, he very well could revert to his traditional form, as compared to his way above average year in 2003. As always with the game of baseball, it’s a crapshoot. Which is why, in spite of my optimism, it still hurts to see this chance at the pennant slip away.

In spite of all that, I’ve got high hopes for 2004. I do not believe it will be like 1985, 1990 or 1999, when the Cubs followed up postseason appearances with below .500 seasons. The Cubs may not make the playoffs, but they should be in the hunt for a long while.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast, especially in the hearts of Cubs fans. But next spring, that hope will be driven as much by the head as by the heart.

So just wait. Yeah, just wait.

Until next year.

Don’t think that everyone in Chicago is inconsolable tonight. There are a few select groups of people for whom this stunning loss comes as a pleasant delight: the Florida Marlins, White Sox fans and sportswriters.

And there’s another group of Fox Sports executives in some Manhattan skyscraper living it up tonight, elated that they’ll get to see a game seven.

To actually discuss what happened seems foolish, but all we have left are words.

After the game, Dusty Baker repeated the conversation he had with Moises Alou after the eighth inning and what may become known in Cubs’ lore as The Catch That Almost Was But Then Wasn’t Because of a Guy in the Stands and Then All Hell Broke Loose, though I’m sure the sportswriters will come up with something catchier. They always do.

I quote from memory, “Mo told me he timed his jump perfectly and the ball was about to enter his glove, and all of a sudden it was gone.”

“Just like the game,” Karen said.

Yeah. Just like the game.

The Marlins didn’t trot out in the eighth in their 1984 Padres uniforms, but the Cubs might as well have dusted off their Mitchell & Ness throwbacks for this one.

It all happened so fast. Gonzalez’s error was costly, sure. And maybe Baker should have had Farnsworth up and warming just in case. But who thought it could go so wrong so quickly? And when Farnsworth and Remlinger came in, they both gave up hits. Perhaps it wouldn’t have made a difference. Perhaps not.

About that fan. It’s hard to tell whether he actually interfered with the ball in play. Let’s assume for the moment that he didn’t. Judging from the looks of the man, he’s a Cubs fan through and through.

He’s got the Cubs hat on and the headphones on, listening to it all unfold on the radio. He’s got a good seat in the front row down the left field line. He must know somebody. He must have given up a chunk of change. He must be a season-ticketholder. He must care. He’s there for this game.

And here are his Cubbies — our Cubbies — five outs away. Prior’s got a man on but it’s not too much of a concern. He’s already stranded six Marlins on base and he’s the stud. The man wins games. A fly ball comes his way and, boy, wouldn’t you like to catch a foul ball from the game when the Cubs won their first pennant in 58 years?

So you react the way you were taught to react when a fly ball’s coming at you — the way your brother or your father or your neighbor or your Little League coach taught you. And you try to catch it. That’s all.

And suddenly, the game is gone.

I wanted this one badly. For so many reasons. Tomorrow will be a much tougher matchup for the Cubs. Redman is the kind of crafty lefthanded pitcher who gives them nightmares, and he pitched very effectively in game three. Wood is Wood — he’s been great lately, but you never know how quickly he’ll adjust if his stuff isn’t awesome. He’s not unbeatable.

I guess Prior isn’t either.

It’s only by coming so close to the pennant tonight that I now realize how much I want the Cubs to win it — now. I think these Cubs will perennial contenders in the NL Central for years. But it’s one thing to be a contender, and quite another to be at the precipice. Who knows when it will happen again?

“Just wait,” they say. Until next year?!

No, no, no. …

All right, I’ll wait.

Until tomorrow.

ESPN.com’s Jayson Stark says the Marlins need a miracle to take the pennant.

I had a terrible dream the other night. I was at a Cubs-Marlins game in Wrigley Field, sitting in the bleachers behind Bill Murray.

The Cubs had built a huge lead, maybe seven or eight runs. Then when the Marlins came back out on the field in the fourth or fifth inning they were suddenly all wearing the ugly brown road uniforms of the 1984 San Diego Padres.

Naturally, the Cubs blew their huge lead and I woke up terrified. I hope that by posting about this now I am not jinxing anything but, rather, exorcising the demons of past Cubs failures to clear the way for the euphoria of a pennant victory. I don’t believe in jinxes, anyway.

Especially after that nightmare.