Here’s a copy of my conversation earlier tonight with the AOL Instant Messenger SantaClaus bot:

kboreilly (5:13:52 PM): santa, when will you get here?
SantaClaus (5:13:52 PM): Hey. You’re back. Cool. Tonight’s the big night! I’ve got a special free gift for you today! It’s a Christmas tree SuperBuddy Icon! Also, don’t forget to register yet to win a $10,000 Shopping Spree! Just type menu.

kboreilly (5:14:11 PM): what kind of cookies do you want?
SantaClaus (5:14:11 PM): I think you know.

kboreilly (5:14:26 PM): we have whole milk. is that ok?
SantaClaus (5:14:26 PM): Cool.

kboreilly (5:15:03 PM): because we’ve also got 2 percent or that special lactose intolerant milk, too, if you need that.
SantaClaus (5:15:03 PM): Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That’s quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions?

kboreilly (5:15:37 PM): well, that christmas list is pretty long. how do you wrap your head around that?
SantaClaus (5:15:37 PM): I guess so.

kboreilly (5:15:51 PM): you guess so?! don’t you even know how long the list is?
SantaClaus (5:15:51 PM): Well you could try putting your finger on the side of your nose — but it took me 400 years of practice.

kboreilly (5:16:00 PM): wtf?
SantaClaus (5:16:00 PM): Oh dear, you seem to be having some trouble with this? You can always type ‘menu’ if you need more help. The elves put some things there to help you get around.

kboreilly (5:17:37 PM): our place has one of those faux-fireplaces. will you still be able to get in?
SantaClaus (5:17:37 PM): May I ask you a question?

kboreilly (5:17:41 PM): shoot.
SantaClaus (5:17:41 PM): Have you done any good deeds yet this holiday season?

kboreilly (5:18:14 PM): umm … will my answer affect your naughty/nice verdict on me?
SantaClaus (5:18:15 PM): You see? Christmas can be full of miracles.

kboreilly (5:18:45 PM): it’s a miracle such a highly illogical santa can deliver so many presents in such little time.
SantaClaus (5:18:45 PM): Would you mind trying to keep you questions to one sentence. I’ve got the entire world to visit and I’m running out of time.

kboreilly (5:18:58 PM): poor santa.
SantaClaus (5:18:58 PM): Can I ask YOU something?

kboreilly (5:19:08 PM): you’re full of questions. ok.
SantaClaus (5:19:08 PM): Would you like to see some links to other things to help put you in the Christmas spirit?

kboreilly (5:19:28 PM): dude, i’m talking to YOU. how much more in the spirit could i GET?
SantaClaus (5:19:28 PM): I could say the same thing to you — and I will. How indeed?

kboreilly (5:19:37 PM): exactly.
SantaClaus (5:19:37 PM): Excuse me?

kboreilly (5:19:44 PM): that’s what i said!
SantaClaus (5:19:44 PM): I’m afraid you’ll need to give me a little more to go on than that. What, what?

kboreilly (5:20:04 PM): all right. what time did i go to sleep last night?
SantaClaus (5:20:04 PM): My goodness. What, what?

kboreilly (5:20:37 PM): to quote: “he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake,” etc. so when did i wake up this morning?
SantaClaus (5:20:37 PM): That’s simply too much for me. My eyes are tired. Can you ask me something a bit more manageable?

kboreilly (5:20:57 PM): santa, are you just a figurehead at this point? you seem kind of out of it.
SantaClaus (5:20:57 PM): Of course I am real. As long as you believe in me, I will be real.

kboreilly (5:22:38 PM): so when do you get started with the present-delivering?
SantaClaus (5:22:38 PM): In the old days, the only technology I had was Rudolph’s nose! These days, I’ve got supercomputers, satellites and global positioning. If you want to track my journey, this site will help you on Christmas Eve: Kids Only: Santa’s Home Page.

kboreilly (5:24:14 PM): how do you feel about these department store santas?
SantaClaus (5:24:14 PM): Well what do you think?

kboreilly (5:24:36 PM): i dunno. it would kind of bug me to have all these people pretending to be me, making money off my hard-won reputation.
SantaClaus (5:24:36 PM): Goodness, that’s too much for me to read. I’m talking to so may children and their parents. Could you ask me something a little shorter?

kboreilly (5:25:01 PM): “so may children”? where’d you learn to spell, santa?
SantaClaus (5:25:01 PM): Where, what? I’m an old(ish) man.

kboreilly (5:25:49 PM): what are you giving me for christmas?
SantaClaus (5:25:49 PM): Well, Santa Claus, of course.

kboreilly (5:25:56 PM): huh?
SantaClaus (5:25:56 PM): O.K. I hear you. You are in need of some assistance. Well I cannot really part with any elves right now. But if you try typing menu you might find some useful things they have put together for you.

kboreilly (5:26:12 PM): you’re giving me santa claus for christmas?
SantaClaus (5:26:12 PM): Wait, I was dancing to ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ and got a little carried away. Why don’t you type music and sing along.

kboreilly (5:26:26 PM): because i’m listening to something else right now.
SantaClaus (5:26:26 PM): Well have you played hangman yet?

kboreilly (5:26:36 PM): dude. stay focused.
SantaClaus (5:26:36 PM): Oh, Dear. It’s the elves again isn’t it? Try typing menu; I’ve got a plan to get you in the Christmas spirit.

kboreilly (5:26:46 PM): WHAT DID YOU GET ME FOR CHRISTMAS?
SantaClaus (5:26:46 PM): I can’t tell you that because it wouldn’t be a surprise!

kboreilly (5:26:58 PM): :-(
SantaClaus (5:26:58 PM):
kboreilly (5:27:13 PM): but i was a good boy this year. O:-)
SantaClaus (5:27:13 PM): Good.

kboreilly (5:27:22 PM): ok. just tell me one present.
SantaClaus (5:27:22 PM): OK. Merry Christmas.

kboreilly (5:28:18 PM): santa, we were thinking about pulling an all-nighter.
SantaClaus (5:28:18 PM): Elves. They can be trouble sometimes.

kboreilly (5:28:28 PM): maybe after you’re done delivering presents you could stop by.
SantaClaus (5:28:28 PM): Santa is all done shopping; I can’t afford to wait until the last minute.

kboreilly (5:28:45 PM): we could hit the waffle-house for breakfast. whadd’ya say?
SantaClaus (5:28:45 PM): Pardon me?

kboreilly (5:28:56 PM): WAFFLES! with chocolate chips?
SantaClaus (5:28:56 PM): Chocolates make great last minute gifts. If you’re looking to buy gifts, start your search here: Search for chocolates.

kboreilly (5:29:47 PM): i’m covered in that department, trust me.
SantaClaus (5:29:47 PM): Ho! Ho! Wonderful.

kboreilly (5:29:59 PM): where’s your third ho? did you lose a ho?
SantaClaus (5:29:59 PM): Where indeed?

kboreilly (5:30:32 PM): ho! ho! uh-oh!
SantaClaus (5:30:32 PM): Type menu to get your to do list for the holidays.

kboreilly (5:30:49 PM): to-do list? i’m done, man. you’re the one whose work is just beginning.
SantaClaus (5:30:49 PM): I’m making my list and checking it twice, so you should too! Type a number:
1 – Track Santa’s Progress
2 – A Free Gift 4U!
3 – Tell Santa
4 – Tell Buddies What U Want
5 – Track a Shopping List
6 – Play Xmas Hangman
7 – Vote on Xmas Songs
8 – Win $10k Shopping Spree
9 – Send E-Cards
10 – Listen to Xmas Music

kboreilly (5:30:58 PM): 1
SantaClaus (5:30:58 PM): OK! I am on my way and making great progress. You can track my flight here: http://www.noradsanta.org/. Now make sure you are asleep when I get there!

kboreilly (5:31:19 PM): what if i’m awake?
SantaClaus (5:31:20 PM): What, indeed!

kboreilly (5:31:31 PM): IF I’M AWAKE! what happens?
SantaClaus (5:31:32 PM): It’s not so much the ‘what’ as it is the ‘why’.

kboreilly (5:31:43 PM): are you high, santa?
SantaClaus (5:31:43 PM): Well, are you real? I’m here talking to you. Of course, I’m real.

kboreilly (5:31:52 PM): real high.
SantaClaus (5:31:52 PM): Well I speak every language and coordinate the largest supply chain on Earth. So I think that’s a stretch.

kboreilly (5:32:05 PM): yeah, i guess you couldn’t do that if you were a pothead.
SantaClaus (5:32:05 PM): If you think so.

kboreilly (5:32:22 PM): probably a speed freak.
SantaClaus (5:32:22 PM): Be nice.

kboreilly (5:32:33 PM): sorry, santa. :-P
SantaClaus (5:32:33 PM): It’s O.K. I’ll give you another chance.

kboreilly (5:32:44 PM): that’s why we love you, santa!
SantaClaus (5:32:44 PM): Indeed!

kboreilly (5:32:53 PM): merry xmas! see you soon!
SantaClaus (5:32:53 PM): Good bye and have a merry Christmas.

kboreilly (5:34:33 PM): peace, santa. peace.
SantaClaus (5:34:33 PM): Ah — you’ve got me again. Why don’t you type menu, it’s time to get you in the holiday spirit!