It used to be that “news” stories in The Onion eerily foretold future trends, but this oft-linked story, “Americans demand increased protection from selves” comes a little bit late in the game.

Still funny, though:

“We can all agree that many choices are too important to be left up to a highly flawed individual,” Nathansen said. “Decisions that directly affect our health, or allow us to expose ourselves to potential risks, should be left to the wiser, cooler heads of the government.”

Yep. They’re from the government, and they’re here to help you help yourself.